Why are husbands hurting their wives?

Husbands who hurt their wives don’t know or don’t care about the effects of their actions on their spouses.  Below are 9 reasons why husbands hurt their wives. 

• Lack of love. 

The first possible reason husbands hurt their wives is their lack of love. When a marriage is loved deprived, couples are bound to do things without consideration for each other. No husband who loves his wife and will not be insensitive to the needs of his spouse and family. 

If you are nursing any doubt about your husband’s love, click signs your husband loves you deeply and see if his behaviors correlate without some of the points mentioned in this article.  

• Lack of understanding.

Your husband hurting you could stem from his lack of understanding of your needs or who you’ve evolved to be in the marriage. Women are generally more intuitive than men, making them more understanding or empathetic to other people’s needs. That’s why they are often called nurturers and caregivers. Their nature helps them understand their family’s needs as they evolve, unlike men who seem to have binary minds. For your husband to understand your needs, communicate them to him. It would spare both of you many mental and emotional stress. 

• Lacks self-control.

If you ask yourself why he keeps cheating on you with other women, or why he keeps saying hurtful words to you when you argue, etcetera. One of the reasons for it is he lacks self-control. When people have no control over their behavior and desires, they are likely to do or say things people around them disapprove of. A husband doesn’t stop hurting you after promising multiple times that he would if he lacks self-control. He needs professional help to get a grip on himself.

• Has a personality disorder. 

Some of the most challenging marriages have spouses with personality disorders. People with personality disorders act in ways that stress and alienate their partners or people close to them. If the hurtful actions of your husband are consistent over time, your husband may have an antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or even a narcissistic personality disorder. It would be a good idea to learn about the 10 personality disorders out there and watch out for their signs in your partner. Some personality disorders cannot be managed. You might need to run for your life or mental health. 

• Crisis. 

Dealing with multiple stressors for an extended period could affect a person’s psychological well-being and social interactions. The fifth reason husbands hurt their wives is their inability to manage multiple stressors. Some husbands become distant and emotionally unavailable. They may also transfer aggression to people and things around them. 

• Flawed indoctrinations about marriage. 

A husband with a flawed indoctrination about power play and roles in marriage will hurt his wife. There is a universal understanding that men are the head of the family. Sadly, many men translate headship to having a servant (wife) that must tender to all his needs and object for pleasure. The subservient role assigned to their wives allows them to thrive only as much as their husbands want them. Worse still, it exempts their husbands from participating in their emotional wellbeing. If your husband hurts you, he doesn’t know better. His upbringing and social setting permit him to interact with you the way he does. 

• Feeling of unworthiness/ low self-esteem/ inflated ego.

Husbands with low self-esteem, self-worth, and an inflated ego treat their wives poorly. How they treat their wives reflects how they truly feel about themselves. They are driven by the desire to be seen differently from how they perceive themselves. For example, a husband with low self-esteem that wishes to display a tough and strong persona might act very rigid and strict towards his family. No one is permitted to question his rules, and things are done as he wants them. If these psychological issues are left unresolved, these husbands will keep hurting their wives and children. 

• Dissatisfaction with their wives. 

The eighth reason husbands hurt their wives is that they lack appreciation for them and want them to be people they are not. Or they are unhappy with their wives’ behavior and want them to improve. 

Husbands that admire qualities in other women and desire to benefit from them might lose appreciation for their wives, especially when circumstances do not permit them to have the woman they admire. They show dissatisfaction with their wives by being too critical and less supportive. As a result of their actions, their wives feel unworthy, less beautiful, unintelligent, etcetera. These husbands hurt their wives intentionally to achieve whatever outcome they desire. For example, they’ll criticize their wives over little things to feel validated to cheat on her. 

Secondly, a guy might feel dissatisfied with his wife and hurt her emotionally if he is tired of her attitude and actions. For example, if your husband finds you stubborn or unyielding to change, he might overtly act in ways that show his dissatisfaction. The longer he continues with it, the more detrimental it becomes for your marriage. 

• Personal dissatisfactions. 

Husbands hurt their wives when they are unhappy with their lives. For example, suppose a man evaluates his financial standing and is unhappy with it; he might start to engage in self-destructive behaviors such as staying out late, drinking, public fighting, or gambling. He might become emotionally distant or physically absent from his family. His wife is forced to bear the family’s burden alone. She might also be subjected to physical and emotional abuse from her husband. 

How can I stop my husband from hurting me?

“Nobody can hurt you without your permission.”

Honestly, you cannot control your husband’s actions; you can only manage it as it comes. Therefore, the first step to preventing your husband from hurting you is to focus on healing. 

• Prioritize your mental and emotional health. 

The constant feeling of hurt comes as a result of internalizing the actions of your husband. When your mental and emotional well-being is jeopardized, it would be hard for you to function. Worse still, you are at risk of driving people away from you and leaving yourself isolated. Being isolated is never ideal. When your mental and emotional health is ruined, your physical health starts to deteriorate. You begin to look older than you should, and grumpy. Prioritize your mental and emotional health;

• Accept who your husband is. Accept his strengths and weaknesses as part of who he is so that you wouldn’t stay disappointed when he does something that hurts you.

• Accept and appreciate who you are. Never allow your husband’s actions to make you think less of yourself.

• Stop making excuses for your husband‘s behavior, especially when it’s repeated. 

• Accept that you cannot change your husband if he does not want to change.

• Talk to someone mature about your experience, and stop bottling what you are going through. 

• Teach yourself to be calm

• Invest in self-care activities and routines.

• Put yourself in circles that would make you a better person.

• Teach yourself to forgive and let go of the hurt. Holding on to hurts will make you bitter. It could be self-destructive.

• Prioritize self-development. 

Money stress is one of the main reasons why many women remain in unhappy marriages. Studies have shown that financially stable women are less likely to stay in marriages they are dissatisfied with. We are not encouraging you to empower yourself and dump your husband. Nope. You only need to be prepared for any outcome in your marriage. 

Aside from financial development, you could develop other areas. For example, expand your social network; you need more reliable people besides your husband and people he knows. Develop your emotional intelligence; you need to be able to respond to situations with your utmost maturity. Prioritizing self-development will help you appreciate yourself better and help you gain a better perspective on life. It will also earn you a lot of respect.

• Prioritize your safety. 

When your husband hurts you physically, you do not need to think twice about your safety. Look for somewhere to stay until he has earned your trust back. The longer you stay with an abuser, the more emboldened they are to continue to abuse without fear of repercussion. While you love and wish him to change, his new leaf should not come at the expense of your life or health. 

• Communicate your needs better

One of the reasons why wives keep getting hurt by their husbands is their inability to communicate their needs effectively and firmly. Men are not mind-readers. Don’t expect your husband to fulfill your needs when he is oblivious to them. Perhaps you’ve spoken to him, and it made no impact; change your approach. It would be a great idea. 

• Encourage your husband to seek counseling. 

When you become assertively intolerant of your husband’s behavior while making strides in your personal growth, your husband will have two options; continue with his hurtful ways and lose you, or seek help and keep you. A man who loves his wife will not continue to do things that hurt her. 

FAQ

• Why does my husband hurt me?

• He doesn’t love you.
• He lacks self-control.
• He has a personality disorder.
• He has a personal crisis.
• He is personally dissatisfied with himself.
• He has low self-esteem, self-worth issues, and an inflated ego.
• He is dissatisfied with you.
• He doesn’t understand your needs.
• He has a flawed indoctrination about marriage.

• How to find out why your husband hurt you?

• Communicate with him. You will never understand why he does what he does until you’ve spoken to him. What he says and how he says it will speak volumes to you.

• Read up on personality disorders and pay attention to his behavior. However, don’t be quick to tag him as having a personality disorder. Many normal husbands hurt their wives intentionally. 

• Seek counseling. If your husband isn’t listening to you or doing enough to stop his hurtful ways, seek counseling. He might be able to open up in counseling sessions. 

Conclusions

It’s difficult to live with a husband that constantly hurts you. It’s painful when you love him, but his actions stir doubt in your mind and make a fool of your love. We’ve listed 9 reasons why husbands hurt their wives. We hope this article resonates with you, and you find the courage to be stronger.