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Disciplining in marriage can range from many things such as  a stern talking to, writing repititive notes, taking away important things (such as phones, credit cards, and so on), restricting movement, and even physical blows – slaps, punches, and spankings. 

From the above list, you can see how wanting to discipline someone in a marriage is borderline abusive and how justified a woman would be if she did not want to be controlled by her husband in this way. 

For starters, disciplining your wife makes her feel like she is an infant – because you have made up rules that she has to be punished for if she cannot follow. And secondly, the choice of punishment is demeaning in its intent and therefore designed to make your wife feel less than. Disciplining your wife should never be something you aspire to do if you want to have a healthy marriage. It is misogynistic and a horrible thing to do to someone you claim to love. 


As somebody who is on the receiving end of a disciplinarian husband, it is important to know and identify the different types of abuse and how common they are. The table below shows that controlling behavior is the highest form of abuse followed by emotional violence – both of which play a big role when it comes to husbands wanting their wives to be submissive to them and therefore resort to discipline as a way of moulding the wife into what they want her to become. 

When you think about it, the essence of discipline is control – your husband wants to discipline you because he wants to control you and once he starts controlling you, it is easier to spew over into other forms of abuse. Below are some of the things you can do to make sure that you are standing up and advocating for your mental and physical health in your marriage.  


When you comprehend that your husband subscribes to the notion of husband disciplining his wife, either due to him expressing that he would like to discipline you or by the way he acts towards you when you make a mistake and he disapproves, the first thing you are going to have to do is sit him down and talk to him. As we are all well aware, communication is the key to a healthy relationship  and talking to him about why he feels the need to control you and your actions should be the natural first step towards championing for yourself in your marriage. Let him know how his controlling tendencies make you feel, why you want a spouse that respects and trusts you, and why it is important that he treats you as an adult. You may also want to communicate to him that the woman that you are is who you were before marriage and ask him why the sudden change to want to control you? These are just examples of some of the questions you can ask your husband to find out the reasoning behind his need to discipline you. Doing this will help you understand him better and give you a clear picture of how to further approach and possibly resolve the situation. 


As a wife that gets disciplined by husband, you may find it hard to adhere to step number one and talk to your husband especially if/when you have already been indoctrined into the disciplinary system and you have grown to fear your husband andn how he may react to you wanting to speak with him about your safety in the marriage. In this case, it is important to involve a third party that is neutral and will take care of both sides of the story, and that is a licensed therapist. I specifically say neutral party because if your husbands motivations to discipline you is coming from the church, for example, then going to the church elders to complain about how unhappy you are that your husband is being controlling might not be the best thing to do because they will end up taking his side and telling you to be obedient and submissive to your husband. A neutral third party, however, has no preconceived notions of either you or your husband’s religious, or otherwise beliefs. Therefore, they are more likely to find a middle ground that works for both you and your husband without bias. This is the best way to ensure that you and your husband both get perspective and really evaluate what you need in a marriage and whether or not it is worth it and beneficial to both parties to work on this marriage. 

The best thing about going to therapy is that you can evaluate earlier on if your husband wants you to be in his life or not, because if he agrees to go to therapy with you, then you know for sure that he is willing – as mush as you are – to work on things that are hindering your relationship from growing and flourishing. Not wanting to attend therapy sessions with you is one of the common ways in which husbands destroy their marriage and it tells you all you need to know about your husband and whether or not you decide to stay in that marriage is up to you. 


I bet you are still wondering how to act when your husband disciplines you especially when it is in front of family and friends? Most women will resort to lying and covering up for their husbands so that they are not viewed negatively with the outside world. There is an argument that is prominent when it comes to dating and marriage and that is ‘‘don’t tell outsiders what you are going through’’ the assumption being that other people do not want to see you happy and as such they will use information that you tell them to plot your downfall. Now, while this miight have some speck of truth in it, it is also very misleading and often used by abusers as a way of isolating their victims so that they have no one to turn to and it is easier to control them that way. 

The best thing you can do for yourself when someone notices that something is off is to tell them the truth, of course it should go without saying, but we’re going to say it anyway, that this should be someone whom you trust – family or friend. The reason why this is important is that you need people to advocate for you, people to bring you back to yourself when you begin to lose yourself to an abusive man. More often than not, your friends and family will save you because they love you and they have your best interests at heart. 


Another thing to do when you are disciplined in a marriage is to try and understand why your husband has the need to control you and go with it. These days, marriages arre so versatile and what works for one couple will not necesarrily work for the next. This is why domestic discipline couples exist. Now, if you are like me, you may be wondering what on earth is domestic discipline or DD for short. Well, according to Springer Link, DD is “a relational approach that advocates wifely submission and male dominance through the use of disciplinary tactics.” By this definition, you as the wife, get to agree and consent to a marriage where you are treated as the submissive and are subject to punishment as seen fit by the dominant when you break the rules that are set and agrreed by both parties. You may want to research further into this, but if it is something that you are sure you want to proceed with, then it is one of the safest ways to go about discipline in marriage. Remember, the key point to this being consent – you need to, out of your own free will, agree to do this. 


And lastly, when/if you have tried everything and you still do not feel like being disciplined in marriage, then the logical thing to do would be to get out of the marriage. This is so because at that point, you are no longer compartible with your husband and you want two different things for your marriage. You may have so much love for your husband but if you cannot see eye to eye on this, then you cannot have a successful or even happy marriage.one of the many signs that your husband doesn’t respect you is when he does not listen to you or does very little to ensure that you feel safe and secure in your marriage. Your husband is supposed to prioritize your safety, as a partner, just as you do his. Your needs should be to him as important as his are to you. And once that is no longer the case, it is time that you start thinking of moving away from the marriage because it no longer serves or benefits you.  

Take time to yourself and figure out who you are outside of that marriage, who you want to be moving forward, and what kind of partner you will want for yourself in the future. 


  • What are the negative effects of discipline?

Discipline, in its essence is very delicate – no matter whom it is directed towards. Often, discipining others has more negative than positive impacts. Sure, you will get people to act and speak a certain way, however, you will lose their respect, love, and adoration because you are not treating them as equals. When it comes to marriage, specifically, the negative effects of disciplining your spouse are; it is borderline domestic violence, it infantilizes your partner, and it shows your partner that you think you are better than them. All of this will lead up to a failed marriage or a lawsuit, whichever one comes first , especially when your partner expresses discomfort in your need to control everything and everyone around you.

  • What are the 5 types of discipline?

The five types of discipline that are recognized by the psychology standards of today are; positive discipline, gentle discipline, boundary based discipline, behavior modification, and emotion coaching. These are usually used to discipline children and teach them how to conduct themselves while learning about the world that they are in. however, they may also be used by some adults who want to control and discipline their adult partners. 


In conclusion, if you ever find yourself thinking my husband disciplines me and i don’t know what to do about it, just remember that someone who loves, respects, and cherishes you would never try to mould you into something that you are not or aren’t comfortable with being. Making sure you are comfortable within your marriage is important and if being disciplined is something that you are willing to try then by all means go for it. However, on the high chance that you absolutely do not want to be disciplined by your husband, then the ultimate choice is to leave the marriage before its too late for you – and your children, if you have any because anyone who wants to discipline you, will definitely want to discipline your children, too.





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