- When people think of women being used by men, they usually think of it in sexual terms. However, men use women for a variety of reasons such as money, accommodation, and emotional/mental support.
- Men who are using you are often manipulative and will lead you on for as long as they can to get supply off of you.
- This article focuses on noticing the signs that a man is using you and how you should deal with him after making the discovery.
BEING USED BY A GUY
Are you being used by the man you are seeing? If you have found yourself here, chances are that you are – the first thing you always have to trust is your intuition/gut feeling, it never lies. If you have picked up on some vibes that seem to point that your man is using you it could be because your man is using you and your intuition has picked up on it.
Being used by someone is probably one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a person because you go into the relationship looking for companionship and partnership – and you are led into it thinking that’s what you will be getting and that it is what you both want – only to have them turn around and make you do all the work.
When you are being used by a man, they may manipulate you into being grateful that they chose to be with you and that all the things you are doing for them are expected of you to do. Men will also manipulate you into believing that you are doing all these things on your own without any form of coercion so you cannot hold them accountable when you finally realize what has been happening because they “didn’t ask you” to do what you did for them.
SIGNS A MAN IS A USER
How do you spot the signs of a user in a relationship? People don’t come with stickers on their foreheads for their intentions with you so there is no way of knowing why someone wants to come into your life right off the bat. However, once you start to get to know them, you may start noticing patterns and behaviors that make you uncomfortable or suspicious about their motives and intentions in getting to know you. Below are some of the signs of a user boyfriend:
1. HE DECIDES WHEN HE WANTS TO BE NICE TO YOU
When a man you are with isn’t the nicest person to you on any given day but suddenly becomes nice when they want something from you, it is a telltale sign that he is using you and he knows that he has higher chances of getting you to say yes to doing whatever it is he wants you to do for him when he is a bit nicer to you.
2. HE IS ALWAYS ASKING FOR FAVORS
If the man you are with is constantly asking you to do things for him or “borrow” him money (which he never pays back) and your relationship seems to revolve around you doing things for him always and him doing nothing in return, he might be using you for your time, money, and other resources that you make available to him.
3. HE GETS MAD WHEN YOU TELL HIM NO
A man who is using you will have a hard time accepting your “No’s” when he asks for something. When you deny them the thing they ask for because they only need you in the capacity of you providing that thing to them, your negative response might drive them to rage and this may manifest itself in them stopping talking to you altogether, giving you the silent treatment until you give them what they want, or forcefully taking the thing they want from you. This often leads to domestic violence that is either physical or emotional (abuse) in nature. To avoid this, you will find yourself saying yes to them even when it does not benefit you. Below is a graph that shows the percentage of women who have, at some point in a past relationship, felt threatened and unsafe by their partners
Percentage of men and women who felt fearful and uncomfortable in past relationships. source: www.mentalhelp.net
4. HE NEVER ASKS ABOUT YOUR NEEDS
When a man is really into you, he will want to make sure that you are doing well and taken care of – whether or not you need his help. A man who genuinely likes you will ask you what you need and see if there’s any way he can get it for you. A man who is using you, on the other hand, will never ask you about your needs. This is because he does not care about you as a person but only in as much as what you can do for him.
5. HE ONLY TEXTS YOU AT NIGHT
Ah, the classic “you up” text (and other variants!) seems like the only time he ever texts you is when it’s dark out and he wants to hook up. You never see him anywhere outside of the bedroom casual hook up. Now, if this is what you both want, and agreed to– cool. But if you want more and he leads you on and makes you think it could turn into something, then he is using you and doesn’t want to give you up yet.
6. YOU PAY FOR EVERYTHING
While there is inherently nothing wrong with you and your man splitting the bill, or even you offering to pay every now and then, it is very suspicious when you are always paying for everything all the time. If the man you are with never offers to pick up the bill for anything, he is most likely using you for your money.
7. HE IS CONSTANTLY LYING TO YOU
When you catch your man in a lie more than once about what he does for a living, where he lives, where he works, where he has been for the past 7 days that he wasn’t picking up his phone – chances are that he is using you and hiding a whole other life from you. If he ghosts you every now and then and never shares any details of his life with you, he is hiding something from you and therefore not looking to be in a committed relationship with you which means that whatever reason he is with you for, it is for his own benefit and he doesn’t care about you.
8. HE SHOWS OFF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Now there is nothing wrong with a man being proud of his woman’s achievements and showing the world that, but if your man only ever talks about you to the world in relation to your accomplishments, chances are he is more into what you have accomplished than he is into you. If he is always talking about your car, house, phone, or even your body/wardrobe, he is more interested in how other people perceive him in relation to you. The “higher” you are, the more likely he thinks it will make him more acceptable with the societal class or group of people he is trying to impress.
9. HE DOESN’T TAKE ANY INTEREST IN YOUR LIFE
He never asks you about your day, how you are feeling, or even what you did that day. And if it were up to him, he may even not be interested in knowing your last name! You, on the other hand, know his life like the palm of your hand. You know how many siblings he has, where he grew up, what his favorite snack as a child was… you can fill up a book with all the things you know about him, and he can’t even remember your pets name even after you’ve told it to him a thousand times! This is because you value him as a person and he only values you in relation to what you can do for him – everything else is relative and he could care less.
10. HE REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
He presents himself as the “go with the flow” type of guy and keeps you in between ‘are we or are we not’ dating? He will treat you like his girlfriend in private but like an acquaintance in public which not only leaves you confused but also hopeful that maybe you will become an official item someday. If a man won’t commit to you for whatever reason but won’t leave you alone either, it is because he is getting something from you that he isn’t ready to give up just yet. He may be using you for emotional support, money, or sex – he likes that you can provide him those things at any time (all he has to do is ask) but he does not like you as a human being. Here are a few ways you can talk to a man about the future to help you start that conversation and help you navigate the aftermath of it all.
HOW TO DEAL WITH A MAN THAT USES YOU
1. REALIZE YOU ARE IN CONTROL
Realizing that you are in control means accepting that your user boyfriend will continue to use you until you decide you no longer want him to. Once you realize that he is using you, whatever actions you take afterward – you are responsible for the outcome because being in control means having the power to either stop his manipulative behaviors or endorse them even more. You are in control of your life, take the reins and decide what type of people you want in it.
2. KICK HIM TO THE CURB
The best decision you can probably make when you find out someone is using you is to probably break things off with the guy that is using you. Cut them off from your life and whatever supply they were using you for – yes, you may feel bad for doing it but it is the best decision for you in the long run.
3. TAKE TIME TO YOURSELF
When you are dealing with being used by a man in the aftermath, it is important to take time off of dating and be by yourself for a while. Chances are that these relationships will leave you with trust issues and traumas which if left unresolved will affect your next relationship. So take some time off to figure out what you want from a relationship, and to forgive yourself for the guilt and shame that comes with having allowed yourself to be played with and disrespected.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
- How can you tell if you’re being used?
You know you’re being used when the person you are with seems to take take take and all you seem to give is give give give. There is no balance in how much you give/take. People who use other people often think doing the bare minimum is doing something for their significant other. The first red flag you will notice from men who are using you is manipulation – they will try and manipulate you into thinking that you doing all the giving is somehow expected of you and that you should not complain about it and just do it for them. Check out this article to learn more about how you can tell if you’re being used.
- Am I being used for money?
It is very obvious when you are being used for money. The person who likes you for your money will always ask you to do things for them that involve you spending money on them – they will ask you to pay their rent, gas bills, debt, phone bills, and even expect you to pay whenever you eat out together. They will feign interest in you but not enough to inquire about your life or anything important to you and anything they try to know about you will be so if they can later use it against you in one way or another.
If you find yourself thinking “I feel used by my boyfriend” chances are there are signs that have led you to that statement. Pay attention to the way he treats you and what he expects from you versus how you treat him and what you expect from him. Relationships are a give and take, no one person should give way too much and receive too little in return. If you think you are being used by a man you are seeing, the smart thing to do will be to leave him before he takes all he can from you and inevitably leaves you.
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