What to Say and Not to Say to Someone Who Miscarried

5. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Whatever you do, do not quote miscarriage scriptures or any other faith-based cliches to your friend who has just had a miscarriage. This is because, at a time of loss, the people grieving do not see the best or a logical reason for the tragedy – and telling them that everything happens for a reason or that it is all part of gods plan, just makes it seem as if you want them to ignore their pain and accept what has happened because of some grand master plan that they do not fully understand.

If you are a true believer, you will help your friends figure out a way through their grief and find their way back to their faith on their own and at their own pace. Let them grieve as much and as long as they need to without feeling guilty about not trusting the bigger plan.

6. AT LEAST YOU DIDN’T GET TO LOSE THEM AFTER YOU HAD ALREADY RAISED THEM

If you can, you must always avoid “at least” statements when giving miscarriage messages of sympathy. This is because at least statements tend to minimize the magnitude of the loss – “oh, at least it’s not as tragic as it would have been if you had lost a baby that you had held.” really reads as insensitive and demeaning to the people who are grieving the loss of their unborn child. This message is not sympathetic and it will only come across negatively to whomever you are trying to sympathize with.

7. DID YOU DO SOMETHING YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE DOING DURING PREGNANCY?

Do not ask grieving mothers if they did something wrong during their pregnancy that may have caused their miscarriage. Miscarriages happen for a number of reasons and rarely are any of them the mother’s fault. This question is not only insensitive but it is also shifting blame onto the mother. A lot of women tend to blame themselves a lot when they lose a pregnancy and they can do without you piling onto that little voice in their heads that tells them that maybe if they had taken time off of work, or had a longer bed rest, or made it to the hospital in time, or gotten pregnant earlier in their lives, then maybe they would still have their baby. Do not be an additional voice that says to them “hey, this could be your fault, have you thought about that?” because yes, they have. And no, you are not being helpful. This is definitely one of the things you should never say to someone after a miscarriage.

8. AT LEAST YOU HAVE OTHER CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF

When you are passing on your condolences for miscarriage, avoid pointing out that your friend has other children that are alive and well that they need to be taking care of. Trust us, they know. It is their children, they have not forgotten about them. However, they are still allowed to mourn the loss of the one they were expecting without being made to feel like they are failing as parents for the children that they already have.

If you are truly looking for a way to help your friend, here are a few tips on what to do for someone who had a miscarriage

9. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL

When you decide to send a card message after miscarriage, make sure you avoid writing in it how much you understand how they are feeling. The truth is no two people mourn the same way and even though you may have gone through the same experience, you cannot state with certainty that you know how they feel. You may tell them that you understand what they are going through, you may tell them about the time you went through something similar and remind them how they were for you and let them know that you were going to be there for them just as they had been for you. However, do not assume you know how they feel just because you suffered a similar loss.

10. YOU MUST BE DEVASTATED

If you ever decide to write your friend a miscarriage poem, make sure you do not emphasize on how devastated they must be feeling after their loss. Yes, it is a devastating thing to happen, and no pointing it out does not help them realize how devastating it is. It is a useless reminder because they already know what a big loss they have suffered and what big grief they are feeling, they do not need you to constantly bring it up to remind them just how big and devastating their loss is.

11. AT LEAST YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET PREGNANT

What do you say to someone who lost a pregnancy? Definitely not “at least you know you can get pregnant.” again it is very condescending and it minimizes the loss that your friend is feeling over the miscarriage. It comes across as “why are you sad when you can just try again and get pregnant?”

If you do not know what to say to your friend who has just had a miscarriage here are a few words to say instead of sorry for your loss

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1. How to tell someone you had a miscarriage?

 The best way to tell anyone that you had a miscarriage is to just say the words. However, you should do it in your own time, when you are ready. Sometimes, saying the words out loud to someone else can help you accept your loss and begin to heal from your trauma – say it however you feel appropriate and comfortable for you, at a time of your choosing.

2. What to say to someone who is pregnant after a miscarriage?

You can still be happy for someone else who is pregnant after you have lost your baby. Tell them congratulations, ask them when they are due, talk to them about the pregnancy experience, and everything in between that they are comfortable and willing to talk to you about. It is okay to let other people know that they can rejoice in their pregnancy around you without you making them feel guilty for doing so. It is okay to be happy for your friend who is still pregnant after you have lost your baby.

CONCLUSION

In conclusion, this article has brought you what to say and not to say or write to someone who had a miscarriage. We hope that these have been helpful to you in finding the right words to say to someone close to you who is going through a miscarriage. May they find the strength to get through this difficult time and may you find the right words and the right way to be there for them.

Sending you love and light.