Why do I always find something wrong with the guy?
WhatToGetMy Instructional Article
It can be quite confusing to know that you want a relationship yet always end up calling one off for the slightest reason. This can have you wondering whether something is wrong with you and why you always find something wrong with the guy you’re dating. Whatever the problem may be, it is commendable that you are trying to find answers because there can be no solutions without an awareness of the problem.
As humans, we all have things that we don’t like in others; we simply cannot help it because those feelings come from a mixture of experience and upbringing. Indeed, those feelings are important because they help us relate with other people in a way that makes us comfortable.
However, like literally everything else, these feelings need to be used in moderation. If we begin to act on every pet peeve we have about a guy we are dating, we will run through several partners, one of which could have been “the one.”
If there’s to be any change in the way you always find something wrong, you need to find out why you do it. Described below are a couple of reasons why you could be finding faults in the guys you date. If any (or several) of them describe you, then you will at least have a general idea of what to work on to avoid finding issues when you’re in a relationship.
Being insecure in relationships has been noted by experts to be a common reason why people find fault in their partners. Insecurities might be why you always find something negative with a guy because it creates fear in a relationship on several levels.
For instance, insecurities lead to a person thinking they won’t be loved enough because they are unlovable. It also leads to fears that one can’t sustain a relationship, breaking the trust that a person has in their partner.
Negative thoughts then follow and if these are given into, finding fault in your partner becomes commonplace.
If you suspect that you might be finding something wrong with guys because of insecurities, here are some things you could do:
- Try to love yourself more by identifying those negative things you believe about yourself and then overcoming them.
- Don’t overanalyze situations and stop believing that everything that the guy does has to do with you.
- Communicate to your partner whenever you need something clarified instead of keeping it within and having it cause suspicions and doubt in you.
2. Commitment issues
Why do you always find something wrong with the guy? There’s a chance that it is due to commitment issues.
Many of us have commitment issues, and there are plenty of reasons why. Imagine accepting all those responsibilities that come with relationships and giving up the freedom and independence of being single.
Relationships can be quite scary, which might be why you keep finding something wrong with the guy. You’re essentially looking for ways to discredit him in your eyes so that you don’t have to be in a relationship.
Even though they are scary, relationships are also quite beautiful, and if you want to get over commitment issues, here are some things you can try:
- Find out what you’re afraid will happen if you commit to someone.
- Come up with a commitment statement where you describe ways you can become more committed based on those things you fear.
- Focus on why you fell for the guy in the first place – the reasons you like him.
3. High expectations
If you always find something wrong with the guy you are dating, maybe you just have expectations that are too high to be met.
It is possible that you already have an idea of the perfect guy that you want to be with, and so you’re trying to match this fantasy with reality. This causes you to lose interest in a guy you’re dating when you notice even the slightest difference between his traits and those of your perfect guy.
While it isn’t wrong to have expectations of the guys you date, having high expectations can be quite difficult to meet. If you want to deal with this issue, here are some tips to consider:
- Remember that no perfect guy exists because everyone has their own little issues. That’s why celebrities still end up divorcing.
- Come up with a list and define your absolute priorities in a guy instead of everything you want in him. This list should guide your expectations instead of that other list that wants a perfect man.
- Avoid comparing the guy you’re in a relationship with to other people who you feel are more perfect than he is.
4. Defense mechanism
The reason why you’re picky may be that you’ve been hurt by a relationship before, and so you are trying to avoid that happening again.
This hurt could have been direct, such as a previous partner cheating on you, abusing you, or being toxic in other ways. It could also have been indirect when you noticed those same things in the relationship of someone close to you.
By finding fault with the guy, you are defending yourself subconsciously from getting into a relationship that will hurt you again.
If this might be the case, here are some things to try out:
- Tell yourself that it is time to let go of that hurt from the previous relationship.
- Let that hurt out into the open. You can talk about it to friends, write about it, or even make a video blog and talk to yourself.
- Focus on living here and now, and remind yourself that the person can’t hurt you anymore.
5. Unfair comparison
Experts have noted that it is very easy to compare your relationship to others you feel are doing much better in this era of social media. This often leads to people finding things that they consider “wrong” with their partner that they wouldn’t have found otherwise.
That being said, there’s a chance that the reason why you’re so negative is that you keep comparing the actions of your guy to that of others. It could be a power couple on social media, your friends, celebrities that you idolize, or even a previous relationship that you are yet to get over.
How can you avoid finding something wrong with the guys you date?
- Appreciate the positive qualities that your partner has instead of focusing on the negatives.
- Remind yourself that the couple you idolize also have their own issues that they never post on social media.
Instead of complaining about what your guy isn’t doing in the relationship, take charge and organize some activities for couples by yourself. That way, you’re less envious of other relationships.
6. Actively look for red flags
It could also be that the reason why you always see something wrong in a guy is that you go out of your way to do so.
Maybe as a result of something that happened in your past, your “red flag detector” is always on high alert to find the slightest bit of incriminating information about a guy. There is no perfect guy, so if you look hard enough for something you consider a red flag, you will find it. That’s the whole concept of the confirmation bias.
The law of the universe says that if you want something to fail. That’s why this approach to being with a guy is wrong. In thinking he already has faults, you are already wishing that the relationship ends in failure.
7. Maturity level
According to data from Statista, older people tend to have longer-lasting relationships. According to experts, this makes sense because older people are mature enough to manage expectations better and be more perceptive in relationships.
Therefore, it could be that the reason why you always find something wrong with the guys you date is that you are too young and inexperienced to manage your pet peeves.
You can hardly be blamed for this, so the best thing to do is to keep going through the motions until you gain the insight and experience to help you manage your relationships better.
8. Lack of reciprocity
Here’s a scenario: You want a certain type of guy, but you don’t have the qualities required to attract such a guy. You end up with a guy you don’t want and constantly complain about how he’s not the guy you want.
Basically, you might be finding faults in guys because they aren’t the guys you want. The guys you do like don’t want you because you aren’t putting in enough work to improve yourself.
How can you fix this?
- Find out what kind of person attracts the type of guy you want.
- Based on your findings, improve yourself in the ways you can without altering the core of who you are.
- Engage in self-help and self-improvement activities to make you a better catch to the type of guys you want.
9. Dating substitutes
Maybe you’ve been finding issues with guys because they are mere substitutes for the guy you really want. Therefore, you might be subconsciously sabotaging your relationships by finding something wrong with your partner because the guy you’re with isn’t who you want.
Who is this guy that you want? Could be anyone really: a good friend, an ex-boyfriend who moved on, or even a friend’s boyfriend.
If this is the case for you, you already have the guy in mind as you read this. You need to have a serious talk with yourself about your feelings for him and find out if he likes you too. If he does, go for it. If he doesn’t, you’ll just have to find a way to move on for your sake.
10. Listening to what others think
It could also be that you aren’t the person that is always seeing something wrong with the guys you date, but rather those close to you.
Friends and family can be hugely influential in the stability of our relationships because they can shape our opinion of our partner. While this is sometimes good because they can spot the red flags that our feelings have blinded us from seeing, it can also lead to us doubting a good partner.
It’s okay to listen to your loved ones, but you should be wary of doing so if it is the same loved ones who consistently have a problem with every guy you introduce them to.
11. Haven’t met the right guy
While this is a bit rare, the reason you keep finding something wrong with guys could just be that you haven’t met the right guy for you. A guy who will turn you on by just being himself and one for whom you are willing to overlook negative qualities and focus on the positive.
You might find that guy someday, or you might not. There’s no harm in waiting either way, but don’t wait too long.
And also, try switching up your routines and interests every now and then because you won’t meet this “perfect guy” by doing the same things you’ve been doing. If they haven’t worked in the past, why would they work in the future.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I always find something wrong with people?
- It could be that you are insecure from a past event and can’t help but find fault in people.
- Your upbringing might also have been the type to teach up to look for faults in people.
- You might also have self-esteem issues, so you look for faults in others to make yourself feel more confident.
- You might be jealous of those people and find faults to make yourself feel better.
How do I stop finding fault in my partner?
- Appreciate and focus on the positive things they do instead of the negative.
- Keep an open mind if your partner makes a mistake instead of immediately jumping to conclusions.
- Try to establish all the facts before you call out your partner. It could be that the issue wasn’t entirely their fault.
- Establish boundaries regarding how you approach issues with your partner when you think they’ve done something wrong.
How do I know what’s wrong with my boyfriend?
Some of the things you should look out for include:
- He always says hurtful things.
- He doesn’t listen to your opinions.
- He gaslights and tries to manipulate you.
- He lies to you often.
- He takes time to respond to your calls and texts.
- He never admits to any wrong and blames you for everything.
- He doesn’t support your ambitions.
Finding something wrong with a guy isn’t always a problem because it can help you avoid a relationship you won’t be happy with. The problem arises when you use basic shortcomings to decide that you can’t be with a guy.
You should try coming up with your absolute priorities in a guy, and if there’s a person who matches these, you can work on other faults in due course.
If you feel the problem has gotten really bad, don’t be hesitant to reach out to relationship therapists and counselors who would be able to offer you assistance that is tailored to your specific situation.
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