Why Does My Boyfriend Lie and Hide Things From Me: 11 Reasons.
WhatToGetMy Instructional Article
“Lying is one of the quickest ways to ruin a beautiful relationship” – Anonymous.
Most people in romantic relationships have admitted to lying to their partners in various research studies. They’ve either withheld information from their partner, given false compliments, or have used other forms of deception to sustain peace in their relationship. For example, insincerely praising a partner’s cooking, sense of style, gifts, body insecurities, and sex technics are common small lies in relationships.
It is said that lies act as lubricants to social interaction and may play a role in regulating intimacy (Cole, 2001). In other words, lies are necessary from time to time to help partners maintain a healthy relationship.
While lying may occur regularly in most romantic relationships, the fact remains that some lies are very problematic when discovered. They increase our chances of ruining trust in our relationship, which is the fiber of every relationship. Lying can be seen as a sign of disrespect to one’s partner regardless of the reason for lying.
Some of the subjects we’ve discussed in this article are;
- Reasons why boyfriend lie and hide things from you
- What to know about being in a relationship with a liar
- What to do when your partner lies to you
You might be interested in some of our senior articles;
Let’s dive in…
11 Reasons why boyfriend lie and hide things from you
If your boyfriend lies to you, it could be for the following reasons;
1. To protect your feelings.
When a person senses that telling the truth could ruin their partner’s day and cause harm to their partner’s mental health, or self-esteem, they might opt to lie to their partner. For example, a boyfriend that lies about the severity of a problem like; his girlfriend’s performance in a task, facial problems, or weight issues, might do so because he senses that telling his girlfriend the truth will ruin her confidence and self-esteem. If your boyfriend lies to you, it could be because he doesn’t want you to lose confidence in yourself. If your boyfriend lies to you, it could be because he is watching out for your feelings.
2. To prevent unnecessary arguments.
Having a very argumentative partner can be annoying. If you are a very aggressive person, your boyfriend might be exhausted with that side of you. Your boyfriend might love you so much but hates to argue with you. If your boyfriend observes that arguing with you usually strains the relationship, and if he is not the talkative type of person, he might opt to lie for peace to reign. When your partner lies to you, it could be because he doesn’t want to argue with you. He values his peace of mind and wishes to minimize any misunderstanding between you.
3. To joke and have fun with you.
Many prank videos we enjoy today are lies told by people to people for purposes of entertainment. Most comedians lie to entertain their audience. Every relationship should have a healthy dose of pranks and jokes. When your boyfriend lies to you, it could be to joke and have fun with you. However, some people have a weird sense of humor, and he might be one of them. We can see how easy it is to misconstrue a joke.
4. Does not trust your character.
Lying about small things in a relationship can be annoying to a partner. However, when a partner knows that his partner’s behavior will be detrimental to him in one way or the other, lying by omission in a relationship will be inevitable. For example, if he knows that you are an impulsive or compulsive spender, he might hide how much he makes from you. If he knows that you talk a lot and have loud friends too, he might not be willing to confide in you about sensitive things in his life for fear of it reaching the wrong ear.
5. You find it difficult to believe him.
Lying by omission in a relationship is common where a person notices that their partner finds it hard to believe them. Or if their partner is impulsive in their decisions and reactions. For example,
- if your boyfriend knows that you will find it hard to believe him if he tells you that his female friend sexually harassed him, he will never tell you such a thing happened if you ever ask him why he is no longer on good terms with that female friend. He’d instead come up with one excuse to brush off the experience.
- Secondly, your boyfriend wouldn’t tell you that he gave a homeless man the winter boots you bought for him if he knew that you would snap before hearing the whole story. Instead, he will lie that his shoes got stolen or he can’t find them.
If your boyfriend lies to you, it could be because you doubt him a lot, or you are easily angered.
6. Afraid of losing the relationship.
Being honest about a person’s terrible deeds can be difficult. Many people will find it hard to come clean if they’ve cheated on their partner, stolen in the past, have been in jail, or have warrants for harassment, sexual assault or drug peddling, etcetera. Their reluctance stems from their fear of losing the relationship. They fear that their partner wouldn’t want anything to do with them if you knew about their terrible deeds. Although lying about your past in a relationship is selfish and awful, people commonly do it. Some people go to the extent of saying that they would rather die with the secrets of their deeds than tell their spouse or any other person. If your boyfriend lies to you, it could be because he is afraid that you will leave him.
7. He is using you.
There are many opportunistic people out there. They are popularly known as players, social leeches, or gold diggers. They would do anything it takes to keep profiting from a person. These people are usually sweet talkers and excuse givers. They manipulate people with their charming looks and words. However, if you pay close attention to their stories, you will find lots of loopholes in them. You should be worried if so many things don’t add up about your boyfriend and what he tells you. Your boyfriend lies about everything because he is manipulating and using you. You have something he wants.
8. Upbringing or experience.
Much of a person’s behavior has to do with their upbringing. It is not uncommon to see people that grew up in very strict or rough environments lie about many things. It has been their coping mechanism through difficult times. They’ve had terrible experiences in the past with friends, relatives, or past lovers, and they do not know whom to trust again or how to stop lying. If your boyfriend lies about everything, it might be because it is a habit he formed in the past, and he needs some form of psychological intervention.
9. He is sworn to secrecy.
If your boyfriend hides things from you, it is probably due to the nature of his job or promises he made to a person/ organization. For example, a counselor is not permitted to discuss privileged information about their client. Therefore it would be wrong of you to expect your boyfriend to tell you things about any of his clients that you might be interested in.
10. Superstitious reasons.
Sometimes people lie and hide things from people because of various superstitious beliefs. Some people believe that telling people about a thing too early might jinx it. Therefore they wait until they’ve achieved their goals before telling anyone. It is infuriating to have a boyfriend that lies and hides things for superstitious reasons. It’s as though he doesn’t trust you, or you aren’t giving him enough good luck. But hey, it might be best to let him be after you’ve spoken to them. What’s important is that they are not doing anything shady and winning.
11. You would disapprove.
If your boyfriend knows that you wouldn’t approve of something he wants to do, there is a high chance that he will lie to you about it. Don’t complain that your boyfriend lied about hanging out with a girl if you generally disapprove of him hanging out with any female friend. He cannot just cut off female friends because he is in a relationship with you unless you are confident he is having a sexual relationship with them.
Being in a relationship with a liar
While it might be true that most romantic relationships are not built entirely on truth, being in a relationship with a liar can be infuriating.
You should watch out for two main types of liars: pathological liars and chronic liars. Being in a relationship with a liar (chronic or pathological) will negatively affect your mental and emotional wellbeing.
Pathological liars are users or social leeches. They thrive on lies because it helps them achieve what they want. They lie without an atom of guilt; neither do they have respect for the person they lie to. They usually use their words or physical appearance to charm people and get what they want from them before moving on to their next victim. With time and attention, a person can easily detect loopholes in their stories, but one can never honestly tell if they are remorseful for their wrong actions. If your boyfriend lies about everything, pay attention to see if he is a pathological liar. He might be using you.
Chronic lying stems from habits. People that grow up in environments that encourage them to lie as a way of defending themselves might find it hard to drop this habit later in life. They lie to avoid confrontations or various unpleasant situations. Chronic liars are easier to identify than pathological liars. It is also a habit they can drop if they get the right help. Your boyfriend could be a chronic liar if he lies about everything.
Whether your boyfriend shows signs of a pathological liar, chronic liar, or just a normal guy that lies once or twice a day, there are certain unpleasant facts about lying in a relationship.
- Lying about small things in a relationship weakens the feeling of trust between partners, no matter how harmless those small lies may seem. A person will trust their partner less when they know their partner, jokes, pranks, omit info, or use other forms of deception often.
- Being in a relationship with a liar will always make you feel disrespected. Lying to your partner means you do not trust them with the truth which can be insulting to a partner that has sacrificed much for you. When a partner does not feel respected in a relationship, they might be provoked to walk away.
- If your boyfriend or husband lies and hides things, he is very selfish. They have chosen to make decisions for you that are self-serving to them, even if it puts your life at risk.
- Lie beget lies. If your boyfriend lies to you about a thing, the probability of him lying about many other things is high. Lies make a relationship toxic. It’s best to discourage your partner from lying to you.
Most Americans say they rarely lie or cheat; do you agree or disagree with this statement? Check out this 2016 study on Statista.
What to do when your partner lies to you
Ignoring lies in a relationship is not the best recipe for a healthy relationship. When a random person lies to you, you can choose to overlook it because it does not affect you. Plus, you might never meet the person again. However, a partner is someone you wish to spend your life with, and therefore ignoring bad qualities will neither help your boyfriend nor your relationship. If anything, it will affect how you trust people. When your partner lies to you without consequences, he will be encouraged to continue lying.
Here are a couple of things to do when your partner lies to your face;
1. Back it with facts.
If you are sure that your boyfriend has lied to you, you need to be able to prove it to confront him boldly. Never accuse your boyfriend falsely. It damages trust faster than telling a lie would. For example, if you are sure that your boyfriend lied about hanging out with a girl, make sure you have enough evidence that proves that he hung out with the said lady. Your evidence should be more than gossip from a friend or anybody. Get proof. So that when you confront him about lying, he cannot wiggle his way out of it.
2. Consider context.
Maturity tells us that people have reasons for acting a certain way, and therefore, we should avoid making quick judgments. You need to prepare yourself to hear him out. Regardless of whatever evidence you think you have against him, things are not entirely the way we assume them to be. Your husband lies and hides things from you does not mean you understand why he acted the way he did.
3. Confront him without criticism.
When you confront a person by criticizing them, you’ve passed judgments on them. When you confront your boyfriend about lying to you, only present your evidence and ask him to explain himself because you need clarity. His body language should tell you whether he feels guilty or not and whether he feels remorseful.
4. Be open to discussion.
Although you might be in the mood to throw the evidence at him and sassily walk out of the room (which he probably deserves), be patient enough to listen to what he says because it will help make firm decisions and avoid future misgivings. Let him do more of the talking by explaining himself. All you need to do is ask critical questions as you intently listen to what he says.
5. Be clear about your stance on whatever reasons he gives for lying.
After you’ve heard his explanation, rationally analyze it and give appropriate feedback before criticizing his wrong action, ‘ lying’. If you have nothing to say about his explanation or you need time to process everything, plainly communicate that before adjourning the conversation.
6. Be clear about how you feel about his lies.
Your boyfriend must understand that lying is an act you won’t tolerate in the relationship. Make it clear that lying about small things in a relationship is inappropriate, and no matter his reasons, you consider it disrespectful to be lied to. He should know whether what he has done affected your trust in him. Being plain to your boyfriend about how lying makes you feel makes him understand what’s at stake if he decides to lie again.
7. Take note of the part you might have played in the whole situation.
Based on everything you’ve discussed with your boyfriend, take mental notes of whatever role you might have played in encouraging the lie. You should tell if he is afraid of you; trusts you less in certain situations? Etcetera. You do not openly have to acknowledge your role to your boyfriend if you don’t have to. Secondly, it is not always the case that you played a role in him lying to you. Sometimes people act the way they do because they want to.
8. Be prepared for his reaction.
It might be best to have a mental picture of all his possible reactions to the situation. It will help you maintain composure and minimize hurt if he is not as remorseful as he needs to be.
9. Make a decision and stubbornly stick to it.
Based on the discussions you’ve had with him about lying to you and his reaction when you confronted him about it, make a firm decision and stick to it. If he is not remorseful about his action, you can decide to walk away from the relationship.
Frequently Asked Question.
1. Why does my boyfriend hide stuff from me?
- He does not trust that you will keep what he is hiding from you safe
- He is afraid of how you will react if you find out what he is hiding
- He thinks that keeping it away from you will spare you some emotional trauma
- To reduce your chances of physical harm from others interested in what he is hiding.
- He is using you and sees no need to include you in his business.
2. Why does my boyfriend keep lying to me?
If your boyfriend keeps lying to you after you have previously confronted him about lying, then he has no respect or regard for you. He knows that you love him too much to tolerate his excesses. Sadly, we doubt that he will work on improving himself.
3. How do you know if your boyfriend is cheating on you?
- He becomes uncomfortable communicating with people or a certain number when you are around.
- He overly compensates sometimes.
- He emphasizes your wrongs and weaknesses enough to justify his behavioral change.
- You begin to spend less time together.
- He pays more attention to himself, his appearance, and his overall presentation than he did before.
- He publicly doesn’t want to be seen around you a lot.
- Other people may have noticed the changes in him and therefore act weirdly with you. They might try to confront you about the changes they’ve seen changes in him.
4. How do you know that your boyfriend is embarrassed by you?
- He finds it hard to introduce you to people close to him properly.
- People close to him don’t know anything about you.
- He makes you feel uncomfortable about being around him when he is in public.
- He addresses you with little regard in public.
- You’ll rarely fit into his long-term picture, and he will make it obvious that you are not included in his future.
- He is not bothered about losing you.
There are various reasons why your boyfriend lies and hides things from you. It is important to understand why your boyfriend lied before making any drastic decisions in the relationship. However, it is vital you confront lies and never give your boyfriend the impression that you can tolerate lies.
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