- Unhealthy jealousy in a relationship is detrimental to that relationship and will spell the end of it a lot sooner than expected.
- This article lists 17 ways how to not be a jealous girlfriend. It also lists the 7 signs of a jealous girlfriend, the 3 reasons why people get jealous in relationships, and the negative effects of jealousy on a relationship.
While a little jealousy may be healthy and important in a relationship, there is a very thin between healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy that is destructive to any relationship. Jealousy is responsible for 25% of all relationship murders according to this 1981 archived report from the New York Times.
In Canada for instance, according to a 2010 statistic by Statistics Canada, jealousy was responsible for 21% of all homicide in intimate partner relationships. And in another example of France, in 2018 out of the 29 male victim relationship murders, one of the male victims was murdered because his partner was jealous.
Victims of intimate partner and non-intimate partner homicide, by motive, Canada, 2000 to 2010. Source: Statistics Canada
Number of male victims of violent homicide by their partner in France in 2018, by motive. Source: Statista
The potential doom and catastrophe that jealousy could spell for a relationship is the reason for this article. While men also get jealous in relationships, for the present article, we are focusing on the female side and providing you as a girlfriend who wants to help her relationship by working on her jealousy issues, valuable insights on how to not be a jealous girlfriend.
Why Am I Such A Jealous Girlfriend? Causes Of Jealousy In Relationships.
There could be several reasons why you are a jealous girlfriend. A 2015 scientific study accessible at Science Daily, suggests that in America, women are more prone to jealousy over emotional infidelity and generally emotional aspects of their relationship, more than their male counterparts.
Research on jealousy: Impact of sexual vs. emotional infidelity. (U.S., 2015. Survey of 64,000 Adults). Source: Science Daily
While this is not to justify jealousy by women (or men for that matter) in relationships, it is to give you some solace that you are not alone in feeling jealous over your man, and should therefore not hide in shame or think of yourself as a horrible green monster. This statistic is also to say that this problem is so widespread and one we need to be honest about and consequently deal with. And asking and answering this first question of why women get jealous in relationships is a great and important step in half solving the problem.
Why then are women jealous in relationships, or specifically, why are you such a jealous girlfriend. There are 3 chief reasons why women (or indeed men) get jealous in relationships.
1. Insecurity caused by a lack of confidence.
The root cause of insecurity is low self-esteem caused by a lack of confidence. And this is almost always an underlying issue that precedes your relationship and may be deeply rooted in childhood scars and experiences. Perhaps it came about from being constantly taunted growing up. Maybe you were body-shamed or made to feel like you didn’t deserve to be loved for who you are, or a host of other causes of low self-esteem.
What low self-esteem does is to eat away at your confidence. It also makes you extremely suspicious and somewhat envious of people who you may think are better than you. In the specific context of a relationship, you start to see other women as potential enemies even when they are not.
If, for instance, your lack of self-esteem comes from the fact that you were constantly made to feel less beautiful and deserving of love for who you are, you could start to see every woman whom you consider more beautiful and attractive as a potential threat. And because of this, you could start scrutinizing every single action of your boyfriend around women.
In very bad cases, you may even begin to be suspicious of every glance your boyfriend gives to any woman around, even if there is absolutely no reason for it. Some girlfriends are known to have accused their boyfriends of checking out a woman just because he looked up and saw a beautiful woman in front of him. And in such cases, the insecurity of the woman is the root cause of the problem.
2. Hurt and paranoia from the scars of a past relationship(s).
This reason usually accounts for the bulk of jealous girlfriends. Maybe you were always trusting in your past relationships. You probably always gave your boyfriend his space and all that stuff that is necessary for a great relationship. You always kept him happy and always made him feel special.
And even when you saw some worrying signs that he may not be honest and faithful to you, you decided to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt against your better judgment. And then you caught him out on his lies and cheating, and your whole world came crashing down. The boyfriend that you thought was the best, was suddenly exposed to be someone you never thought he could possibly be.
Women who go through this emotionally crushing experience are never always the same. The scar always has a way of affecting other subsequent relationships with suspicion and jealousy even when they want it to be different.
And if this is you, do not despair. In the next section, we will provide helpful and useful ways to deal with jealousy arising from this reason.
And if you or someone you know is caught up in the dilemma of a lying and cheating boyfriend, our articles on What to do when your boyfriend lies to your face and What to say to someone who cheated on you will be helpful to read.
3. A controlling personality.
For other women, being controlling is part of their personality. This controlling personality could be as a result of other complex personality issues such as a narcissistic personality disorder, or it could also arise out of an underlying self-esteem issue or anxiety issues.
When jealousy is a result of a controlling personality, you find that you get angry and suspicious if for any reason your boyfriend misses your calls or takes too long to respond to your messages. You want to know his every move at every minute and you want to monopolize him to yourself.
Jealousy arising from a controlling personality is extremely lethal to any relationship, and such relationships rarely survive. But do not despair, for even this challenge has solutions, which we will discuss in the next section.
How Do You Stop Being Jealous And Insecure? How To Overcome And Control Jealousy And Insecurity In A Relationship And Be Less Insecure And Jealous.
Being a jealous and controlling girlfriend is one of those important do-nots of any relationship that will stand the test of time and be successful. Jealous girlfriends eventually wear their boyfriends out because not only are they overbearing and draining, in those cases where their family hates their boyfriends, they do not even defend their boyfriends because of their jealousy.
The last thing you want is to be labeled as that crazy girlfriend, or that insecure and controlling girlfriend, and consequently, lose your boyfriend because of it. And so here is how you quit being jealous, controlling, and insecure in your relationship. The solutions are proposed for the 3 chief reasons for jealousy in relationships.
How To Overcome Jealousy If It Arises From Insecurity.
Insecurities that breed jealousy will drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend because you will always be seeing things that may not necessarily always be the case. To overcome your jealousy, take the following important steps.
1. Realize your self-worth.
Your self-worth is not a function of your boyfriend or your relationship with him. You don’t need to own him to feel great. You don’t need to have him as a boyfriend to validate and give you confidence. You are confident and beautiful just as you are.
You are not lucky to have him as a boyfriend, you’re each lucky to be in both of your lives. He is lucky you chose him and you are lucky he chose you. It’s a two-way street of luck.
And because it’s a two-way street of luck, any man in this world will be lucky to have you in their lives as their girlfriend. Any man will count his lucky stars that you chose him above all others.
When you understand this about yourself and your invaluable worth, then you start to understand that you don’t need to possess or try to latch on to your boyfriend like he’s something that defines you. Only you can define you.
Being liberated in your self-worth will give you the freedom to let your boyfriend be and have his breathing space. That confidence will also radiate in the way you carry yourself and in the way you interact with him. This will in turn keep him attracted to you because men love a confident woman. They love a woman that feels confident and complete in himself and knows that she does not need him to feel confident.
2. Constantly affirm your self-worth to yourself until you start to believe it.
Knowing your self-worth is one thing, and believing it is quite another thing altogether. And it is only when you begin to believe it, will it become a part and parcel of you and come out in the way you carry yourself and interact with your boyfriend.
When you feel the need to get insecure and start probing his every move, stop yourself and remind yourself that your life and the decisions you make should not have to be defined or centered around your boyfriend. Tell yourself that it does not matter what he may be doing right now because it doesn’t.
If he’s not with you then, you have to tell yourself that whatever he is doing is actually none of your business because he’s out there living his life and you should be living yours too. Your existence and life do not suddenly go away because you have a boyfriend, and you should in the same way not expect his existence and life to go away because you’re in it.
3. Spoil yourself to a makeover.
Insecure ladies are usually, though not always, insecure about their appearance and looks. Rather than worrying yourself about all the pretty girls, you think your boyfriend may be distracted by, why not give yourself a makeover to feel more confident and pretty. When you’re confident it radiates a beauty that will keep your boyfriend enraptured and enamored by you.
Whatever it is you think is the definition of beauty, you have the power to make yourself into that image. If it’s long blonde hair, you can try out a blonde color that you fancy. Give yourself a spa treatment. Take yourself shopping. Take care of yourself and spoil yourself.
And in spoiling yourself, always remember that your boyfriend loves you for who you are and that is why he chose you and not someone else. Give yourself a makeover that reflects who you are and not someone else. Remember you are an original and you are unique and beautiful in your uniqueness.
4. Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about your insecurities.
This final step is very important. If you don’t share the struggle you are having with your boyfriend, he will not know them and cannot decipher them just by your passive-aggressive actions.
If certain of his actions are trigger points for your insecurity, tell him about it. It will also be good to ask him to help you as you work on overcoming your insecurities through the first 3 steps earlier listed.
A relationship is a partnership where two of you are best friends that help each other become better versions of yourselves. And to do that, honest and transparent dialogue about the struggles of each partner is crucial.
And if he’s a good boyfriend, he will help you on the journey of trying to deal with it. If he’s not being helpful then he’s not a good boyfriend and you definitely deserve better. Don’t waste your time with someone who has no interest in helping you or taking account of your trigger points and how they can help you in dealing with it.
Staying with such a boyfriend will only serve to keep eating away at your self-worth and self-confidence, and will ultimately lead you down a self-destructive path that is bad for your overall quality of life.
How To Overcome Jealousy If It Arises From Past Hurt.
Where you’ve been hurt in a past relationship especially through infidelity and dishonesty, it is easy to get jealous and possessive in your next relationship. But don’t let the shadow of your past relationships ruin the good ones in your future. Here is how you deal with jealousy in such instances.
5. See your new relationship as a clean slate.
Your new relationship is not your old relationship, and your new boyfriend is not your old boyfriend. It’s important to see your new relationship as a clean slate and a new beginning.
6. Don’t judge your boyfriend on the actions of past boyfriends.
And when you see your relationship in that light, then you will understand that you should not judge your current boyfriend on the actions of your past boyfriend. All men should not be labeled as cheats and liars just because one man cheated and lied to you.
When you choose to let yourself be blinded by that negative mindset, it will affect your ability to let a good man love you wholeheartedly when he comes along because you have allowed the past to define how you see the future and men in general.
This is not at all to discount the fact that there are still quite a number of men that cheat and lie to their girlfriends, but you need a clear unbiased mind to be able to distill the bad ones from the good ones. It is a clear mind that will help you judge what he does based on who he is as the unique person that he is, and not based on what your past boyfriend may have done or not done.
7. Consider therapy.
Therapy will help you process any underlying hurt from the past relationship that is jeopardizing your happiness in the current one. Talking with a therapist will help you process exactly how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way. It will help you to be able to sort through the different emotions you feel, piece by piece. It will help you understand why you feel what you feel and if there are any tangible basis for how you feel the way you feel.
8. Have a conversation with your boyfriend about how much of a big deal fidelity and trust is to you.
When you’ve come out of a relationship where infidelity and dishonesty hurt you, it’s important that you make your new boyfriend understand from the outset that these two are big deals for you and that they are deal-breakers.
9. Trust your boyfriend.
As hard as it may be, you will have to trust your boyfriend. There’s no point dating and being with your boyfriend if you do not trust him. There is no reason why you should have said yes to him if you had no plans of trusting him. You need to tell yourself that you chose to say yes to him because you assessed all the risk factors and thought he was worth taking the risk on. Once you can tell yourself this and believe it till it becomes a part of you, then let go of your nagging fears and trust him.
Understand that even if you choose to watch your boyfriend’s every move, it will not deter him from cheating and lying to you if that’s the kind of person he is. Being jealous and possessive will not suddenly make him be someone he’s not, and that’s a reality you should always have at the back of your mind. So why waste your time being jealous and possessive and driving yourself up a wall for something that he will do anyway if he wanted to do it. Let go and trust him and trust that you made the right choice in a boyfriend.
10. Resist the temptation to want to stalk him and keep tabs on him.
This is part of trusting your boyfriend. If you trust him then you trust that he is doing what he says he is doing. When you trust your boyfriend and don’t keep tabs on him, then unless you are dating a complete jerk, he will be true to his words when he says he’s somewhere or doing something. And if he’s a complete jerk, then you shouldn’t be dating him.
Giving your boyfriend his freedom to spend his time the way he wants to spend it will give him room to be a better boyfriend to you. Men and women do not enjoy being smoldered, and that is exactly what you do when you are constantly stalking and keeping tabs on your boyfriend. If he says he’s going out with the boys, don’t call him every 10 or 30 minutes to “see how it’s going with the boys”. Let him have his space.
Boyfriends have a lot of respect for girlfriends that give them their space when they need it. It tells them that she trusts them and that she has a life of her own that isn’t centered on just him.
11. If for any reason you can’t overcome any suspicious feeling you have, end the relationship.
Trust is very important in any relationship, and it is the only way you will have your peace of mind in your relationship. If you still can’t shake off any suspicious feelings you are having about your boyfriend, and you are certain that those feelings have nothing to do with your past relationships, it would be best to call it quits.
There is no point in dating someone you don’t trust because you feel the need to be in a relationship. The relationship will only be filled with heartache and fightings and would not be worth it anymore.
How To Overcome Jealousy If It Arises From Having A Controlling Personality.
Where your jealousy is as a result of having a controlling behavior, the following steps will help in overcoming jealousy in your relationship.
12. Be brutally honest with yourself about being controlling and how dangerous and unhelpful it is to your relationship.
Brutal honesty in how controlling you are and how it can affect your relationship is the first step to being able to deal with it in a wholesome and effective manner. In being honest with yourself, you do not try to justify your controlling behavior because when you try to justify it, you will not see the need to change and get better.
13. Condition your mind to be less controlling and give your boyfriend his space.
As pointed out in points 10 and 11 above, if you don’t trust your boyfriend and decide to always crowd his space and monitor his every move, it will not stop him from lying and cheating if that’s the kind of person he is. If anything, your being controlling and jealous will serve to push him further away and give him an excuse to do the things you think he is doing. His thinking should he go down that road will be that since you already suspect him anyway, he might as well go ahead and do it. This by no means justifies his action, but it is important that you understand that it could be a catalyst to that action.
14. Don’t keep tabs on your boyfriend and allow him to have time to himself alone. Respect his privacy.
Some jealous girlfriends take things to the extreme by monitoring their boyfriend’s every move and not allowing him to have time to himself alone. Remember that your boyfriend’s life does not suddenly come to an end because he is dating you, and the same goes for you too.
If you smolder him by always being in his face and not giving him his space when he needs it, he will get tired of you and the relationship very quickly and resent you for not giving him his space.
15. Don’t make rules to your boyfriend about who he can and cannot have as friends or spend time with as friends.
This is a big no-no in any relationship and yet this is what some extremely jealous girlfriends do. In the same way you would not want your boyfriend dictating who should or can or cannot be friends with, nothing gives you the right to tell your boyfriend who can and cannot be his friends.
If you trust him, then you should also trust that he makes the right choice of friends. If you have any misgivings about some of his friends, by all means, voice them out to him, but don’t tell him he can’t have them as friends. That is his decision, and his alone to make.
16. Keep yourself busy and occupied with engaging hobbies and interests.
The only reason why you will have time to try and control your boyfriend’s life is because you are not adequately engaged. If you had your hands full with other meaningful things that kept you very busy and engaged, you would not have the time to want to control his life.
It is always important to remember that a relationship does not signal the end of your existence as a separate human being quite apart from your boyfriend. Even spouses have their separate lives, how many more boyfriends and girlfriends. Your boyfriend’s life is not your mission on earth, your life is.
Stop trying to invade your boyfriend’s life, and instead use that time to focus on yourself and grow and improve yourself. Use the time to learn new interests and hobbies. You can start a language lesson or learn other new skills. When you upskill yourself, you also make yourself more attractive to your boyfriend and your newly acquired skills increases your confidence.
Rather than channeling all that controlling energy onto your boyfriend, channel it onto yourself and you would be amazed at how transformational and beneficial your controlling tendency becomes to you as a person.
17. Seek professional help.
Where your controlling tendency is as a result of a complex personality issue or anxiety issue, it may become important and necessary to seek professional help for your mental wellbeing too because personality issue if not attended to can become a mental challenge that could be disruptive of your life
How Does A Jealous Girlfriend Typically Act? Signs Of A Jealous Girlfriend.
Here are 7 worrying signs of an insecure, jealous, and controlling girlfriend.
1. You get angry if your boyfriend does not pick your calls or responds to your message(s) at the time you expect him to respond to them.
And there are likely legitimate reasons why he was unavailable to take your call or respond to your message(s), but because you always imagine the worst, you immediately get jealous and angry. And when they eventually return your call or reply to your message, you go off at them. If you see these behavioral patterns, it is a sign of a jealous, controlling, and possessive girlfriend.
If he never takes your calls or never returns them when he misses them, that becomes a totally different issue because that is him being disrespectful to you, and you should not be dating a disrespectful jerk.
If he is however the loving and respectful boyfriend that you know him to be, then there is no reason to imagine the worst and get angry when he misses one of your calls or does not respond to your message(s) as quickly as you want him to.
2. You are always checking up on your boyfriend’s every move.
If you call him a million times every day, send him messages every minute, and can’t seem to give him breathing space without asking what he’s doing and who he’s with, that is an extreme and unhealthy level of jealousy that is also dangerous and should be nipped in the bud sooner rather than later.
3. You stalk your boyfriend’s social media accounts.
You always want to see what his online activities are and whose pictures and statuses he is liking or posts he comments on are. If you find yourself doing this, it is not cute. It is being jealous, insecure, and possessive. There is no reason why you need to know whose status your boyfriend is liking or commenting on because he has the freedom to like whatever statuses, posts, or pictures that pleases him.
4. You snoop around messages and calls on his phone.
You find yourself sneaking around his cell phone when he’s gone to the bathroom or when he’s sleeping, just to see if he’s up to no good. This does not help you in any way and only heightens your anxiety and drives a rift between both of you, especially when he catches you snooping, as usually happens.
5. You ‘accidentally’ always show up at places you know he frequents.
This is the alternative form of always checking up on him a million times. If you find yourself always trying to “surprise” your boyfriend at places you think he’ll be at, just to see if you can catch him in a compromising position, that is another sign that you’re being a jealous and controlling girlfriend.
6. You want him to spend time with only you.
If being with you becomes a death sentence for your boyfriend’s social life before he met you that is another sign of a jealous and possessive girlfriend. The thinking is usually that if he spends time with only you, then he won’t have the time to meet other girls that may tempt him into cheating. Not only is this very unhealthy, but your relationship also will not last because no boyfriend can stand being smoldered in that way for so long.
7. You want to choose his friends for him, especially the female ones.
Telling your boyfriend who he can or cannot have as a friend is the height of control, possessiveness, and jealousy. And it is a right you do not have. It will not be long before your boyfriend chooses those friends over you if it comes to that, especially the male ones.
If it is female friends, it may be a little tricky. It is best to first let him know that you’re uncomfortable with his level of closeness with a female friend rather than asking him outrightly to not be her friend. If after some time, you are still uncomfortable and reasonably suspect something is going on between both of them, only then can you ask him to choose between you and her.
Why You Shouldn’t Be A Jealous Girlfriend – Effects Of Jealousy On A Relationship.
Jealousy will have the following negative effects on your relationship.
It will make your boyfriend resentful of you.
It will create unhealthy tension in your relationship.
It will drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend.
Your relationship won’t last long.
It will affect your mental health.
Frequently Asked Questions.
- How do you stop your girlfriend from being jealous and how does one handle a jealous girlfriend?
Sit down with her and express your concerns about her jealous and possessive tendencies and try to understand why she may feel that way because there are always underlying reasons for jealousy. You can discuss the points in this article with her in trying to help her deal with her jealous tendencies. Whatever the case, talk it through with her.
You will also like our related article on Things a girl wants to hear from her boyfriend.
- Is it okay to be a jealous girlfriend?
No, it is not okay to be a jealous girlfriend. When you are a jealous and possessive girlfriend, you drive a rift between you and your boyfriend, and it won’t be long before the relationship comes to an end.
- How do you get rid of jealousy in relationships?
If you can identify where the cause of your jealousy lies in the 3 main reasons listed in this article, you will be able to identify which of the 17 steps to take to overcome your jealousy. Once you can overcome your jealousy, you will be rid of it in your relationship.
- How to stop being jealous and controlling?
Follow the steps set out in this article and you will be able to get a grip on being jealous and controlling.
Jealousy is not good for any relationship that will stand the test of time. Get a grip on your jealousy by following all the steps outlined in this article, and you and your relationship will be the better for it.
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