When Should You Give up on a Relationship

• It is not an easy thing to give up on a relationship, and this is why most people would rather stay in a relationship that isn’t working rather than give up and move on.
• Difficulty in finding love and the fear of being single and alone is not a good reason to stay in a relationship that you should walk away from. It’s time to move on.
• Time spent in a relationship and sacrifices and investments made does not equate with a quality relationship. Staying in a relationship because you have sacrificed time and other things is not a good reason to stay in a dead relationship because a relationship isn’t based on time but the quality of the relationship.
• Your feelings of (unrequited) love or of guilt in walking away, is not a good reason to stay in a relationship that isn’t working anymore. It’s time to move on.
• Once you see any of the signs that a relationship isn’t working anymore, then it is time to give up and move on from that relationship as difficult as it may be.
• If however, you decide that you want to work things out and give the relationship another shot before giving up, you need to critically evaluate and be sure the relationship is worth the sacrifice. It’s important to know when to fight for a relationship and when to give up.

The question when should you give up on a relationship, or put differently, how do you know when to give up on a relationship, is never an easy one. In this article, we deal exhaustively with this topic, particularly the “when” question. When is it time to say “okay I think I’ve had enough! I want out.” If you’re reading this article, maybe you are in that position in your relationship or maybe someone you know and care about is in that position and you want to help them and encourage them that it’s time to move on. Rest assured that by the time you finish reading this article, you would have better clarity to the answer(s) you seek and would know without a  shadow of a doubt whether it is time in that relationship to give up and move on. When should you give up on a relationship? Hop on and let’s show you how to know when it’s time to leave him or her.

WHY IT IS HARD TO GIVE UP ON A RELATIONSHIP?

If you’re asking the question of whether you should leave your relationship or stay back and fight for it, chances are that things are not exactly as they should be in your relationship. And you know it in your gut; you can feel it that something isn’t just right. And yet it is so difficult to make that choice, and we can understand why. And this is why a good first step to being able to answer the “when” is to understand the “why”. To unpack and unmask the “why” and also question whether that “why” is good enough for you to stay in a relationship that may be beyond repair. 

Why do we find it hard to give up on a relationship even when from all indications we may very well be flogging a dead horse? We can all appreciate why it is so hard to give up on a relationship – finding the right person to fall in love with is hard enough as it is. The stats on this are not exactly very encouraging – in fact, they look gloomy. According to a 2019 Survey amongst Americans 18 years and older, only 25% are passionately in love and a shocking 33% are not in love at all. And earlier in a 2017 Survey among the same age group, 8% of the men and 9% of the women said they don’t believe they’ll ever find true love. But thankfully, there is still a good number of Americans (a whopping 94%) that still believe in true love, even if they haven’t met their Mr. or Ms. Right.

Looking at these stats, one can totally appreciate why it is not exactly very easy to walk away from that one person you think you may have found. But is he/she really the one? More on this in the paragraphs that follow.

Percentage of Americans in Love (Dec. 2019) (18 yrs and Older)

Source: www.statista.com

Do you believe you have already encountered the love of your life US (Jan. 2017)

Source: www.statista.com

Do you believe in true love (Dec. 2019)

Source: www.statista.com

Couple the above factor with the fact that you would have invested considerably in the relationship because you believed this person was your soulmate. And so you gave it your all – your time, emotions, efforts, everything you had. You made substantial sacrifices. Maybe you are even among the 32% according to the same 2019 Survey, that went as far as moving countries just because you felt very strongly that this was the one you wanted to be with.

What sacrifices will you be willing to make for your love US (Dec. 2019)

Source: www.statista.com

We therefore completely understand that this is another strong reason why people find it so hard to leave a relationship, and you cannot be faulted for thinking or feeling that way. But as we will show you shortly, this reason is not enough reason to keep hurting yourself by staying in a relationship that you should, in all honesty, walk away from.

There is also the fact that you are arguably in love with your partner, and the hormones and effects created by that feeling of love can cause people to do sometimes irrational things like staying in a relationship even when it is not working. According to a 2015 Neuroscience study, when people looked at pictures of their romantic partner, the chemical dopamine which is a feel-good chemical, was released into their brains and contributed to their continuity in the relationship. 

Or perhaps you are on the flip side and unsure of whether you love your partner, but torn because you probably can’t deal with the guilt that would stab at you for breaking up with them. Neither of these extremes is good enough reason to stay in a relationship that you should be walking away from.

Now let us show you that these three reasons – difficulty finding love; investment into the relationship; and your feelings of love or guilt – are not good enough reasons to stay in a relationship that has no hope of being salvaged. After we have shown you that they are not good enough reasons, we will help you specifically answer the question, when should you give up on a relationship and break it off with him/her. 

Difficulty Finding Love Is Not A Good Reason To Stay in a Dead or Dying Relationship.

Studies have shown that some people would actually prefer to reconcile with an ex-lover they broke up with, rather than stay alone. In 2012 alone, 46.4% of the Americans surveyed, went back to the ex they previously broke up with.

Percentage of Americans who got back together again with the same person they broke up with (2012)

Source: www.statista.com

You’re probably in that 46.4% and thinking to yourself “when will I find someone else to be with?” You’re afraid of being single and alone, and would much rather stay in an unhappy relationship than be single. Maybe you had to stay single for a long time before you found the partner you’re currently with and are therefore dreading the thought of going back to that state.

Whichever of these applies to you, staying in a relationship that you know in your heart of hearts isn’t working just because you are dreading singleness, hurts you more than it helps you. You’re in fact better off staying single than being in such a relationship. By staying on in the relationship, you waste your very precious time; you keep investing your precious time, resources, and energy into something that isn’t worth it. And by so doing, you keep draining yourself until there’s no more energy left for an actual fulfilling relationship. You actually shoot yourself in the foot and shortchange yourself because by staying in that dying relationship you miss out on a better relationship. And because you’re so immersed in this one relationship that isn’t working, you fail to see the one that may be in front of you that could work.

You can be single and happy, and in fact happier than being miserable all the time in a relationship. The fear of singleness is never a good reason to stay in a relationship that you should be walking away from.

Time, Energy and Other Investments Channeled Into A Relationship Is Not a Good Reason To Stay in a Failing Relationship.

A relationship isn’t based on time. It is based on quality. The length of time in a relationship does not equate with a quality relationship. How qualitative and fulfilling the relationship is, are rather the indicators you should be looking out for and using to judge the value of that romantic relationship. The amount of time or years you may have spent in the relationship is never a good reason to stay in the relationship if it’s just not working anymore.

The time you spend continuing in the relationship is valuable time you could be using to work on yourself and reposition yourself to meet a better partner with whom you can hopefully have a more fulfilling longer-term relationship.

Feelings of Love or Guilt are Not Good Reasons To Stay in a Bad Relationship.

The worst thing you could do to yourself is staying in a relationship with someone who either is no longer in love with you or who isn’t reciprocating your love on the same level as you are. Equally, staying with someone you are no longer in love with, either out of pity or not wanting to be alone, is as bad and unfair to that person. The best gift you can give him/her is to leave them and allow them room to meet someone else who would love them wholeheartedly.

None of these feelings are good enough reasons to stay in a relationship that isn’t just working.

WHEN SHOULD YOU GIVE UP ON A RELATIONSHIP? SIGNS YOU NEED TO LEAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

There are usually two categories of people that ask themselves this question. The first category is those who are on the giving end. You tend to give more in the relationship rather than receive. In your relationship, you seem to be putting in all the work, or at least a substantial portion of it, to make the relationship work and stay alive. And now you find that you are getting drained and tired. Why is your partner not reciprocating your love? Why does it seem like you’re the only one in love in this relationship? And thus your love is either not completely reciprocated in the same measure, or not reciprocated at all.

The second category is the exact opposite and is on the receiving end. You may have liked your partner the first time you both met, and the chemistry was great. But now, the chemistry has fizzled out and you’re not so sure you love this person anymore. But because you made them believe you loved them, you now feel guilty to walk away from the relationship. Or perhaps you also don’t want to be single and alone, and so you stay.  You feel trapped but you stay nonetheless. Even though your mind is no longer in the relationship, and even though you are doing less than the bare minimum and making your partner do all the work, you still stay. Whether out of pity or because you don’t want to be alone, you infuse the relationship with draining energy, and you frustrate both yourself and your partner.

In both instances, both parties need to know that its time to move on. This is an important life lesson. In life, one needs to know when to fight for a relationship and when to give up on that relationship. A relationship that isn’t working anymore, is exactly the kind of relationship you need to give up and move on from.

How do you know if a relationship isn’t working anymore? If your answer to the following questions below is a “yes”, then that is a sign you need to leave that relationship because at that point the relationship is no longer working.

Am I forcing my partner to reciprocate my love?

If you feel like your partner is just not as much in the love zone as you are, then it is time to move on; it is time to make the decision to leave the relationship and walk away from him/her.

“if your partner no longer sees or recognizes the valuable jewel (this applies to both men and women) that you are, you should no longer waste time in the relationship trying to convince them of your value. Walk away. Someone else who appreciates and recognizes your value will come along and you will be the better and happier for it.”

This is why it is important to walk away from the relationship when you see this sign. You are one of a kind and you are special and deserving of full unconditional love. Any man or woman would be very lucky to have you in their lives. You should, therefore, place such high value and premium on yourself and your love. When you place such value and premium on your love, then you will not waste it on anyone who isn’t willing to reciprocate it on the same level. You’ll understand that it is just too precious to be wasted in that way. One thing you must never do is beg someone to love you because you are deserving of that love just by virtue of being a human being.

Do I feel compelled to act being in love with my partner?

While it is normal that our feelings will ultimately die down a little in any relationship with time, this is different from completely falling out of love with someone. When you’re in love with someone, even if the intensity of your emotions ebb away due to how long you’ve been together, you still know deep down that you want to continue being with them because you love them.

On the other hand, when the love has died completely, you tend to find it distressing being around this person. And the truth is that we all know when we get to that point in a relationship. If you know that deep down in your heart you are at that point in your relationship then it is time to do yourself and your partner a favor and walk away from the relationship. Walking away is the right thing to do for the following reason(s).

Staying with someone when you no longer love them is actually wicked on many levels and very selfish. You don’t love them and yet you don’t want to set them free to find someone else that would love them in the way you can’t. You trap them, and yourself in a loveless relationship, and you end up both being miserable. The best gift and decision you can make for both of you is to end things and walk away.

Do you fight more often than you work on your relationship? And what is the attitude to working out a fight between both of you?

Quarrels in any relationship are also an inevitable part of any relationship. However, how the partners resolve their quarrels is what tells the difference between a healthy relationship and one that is on the rocks. If either of the following happens when you have a quarrel, then its time to give up on the relationship and move on:

1. If your partner is always shutting down and indifferent when you are trying to resolve your dispute; despite your spirited efforts to try and get to the bottom of things, he/she simply zones out, takes an indifferent stance, and refuses to engage to try and find a way forward. You are certainly dealing with someone who has lost interest in the relationship, and you also need to move on.

2. If your partner always turns the tables on you even when they are at fault and paints you as the problematic one; if they always go on the defensive and refuse to take responsibility and are not willing to work on this, then you should seriously consider walking away from the relationship. 

3. If your partner finds it easier to talk to other people outside about your relationship rather than sit down with you to resolve your differences; and if he/she takes great pride and satisfaction in putting you down outside and painting you as the bad guy before your friends and other people, that is a very big sign that you need to walk away. No one has the right to eat away at your confidence and esteem, and that is precisely what will happen the longer you stay in the relationship that has that element. This is in fact a form of emotional abuse

Is my partner committed to the relationship and making it work?

In terms of sacrifice and putting in the work to make the relationship stay alive, are you the only one driving things? Is your partner only putting in the barest minimum or perhaps even less than the barest minimum? If this is the case, then its time for you to move on. It takes two to tango, and if you’re the only dancing in the relationship, you need to stop dancing and take your dancing shoes elsewhere where they will be appreciated.

Are my friends and family disapproving of the relationship?

Usually our friends and family are the more objective pair of eyes we need to tell us whether a relationship is good or bad for us. And this is because they are not emotionally invested as we are, and can, therefore, look at the relationship more dispassionately than we ever could. If your family especially disapproves of the relationship, this is worth considering and paying some attention to.

Is this person being abusive to you? 

Whether physically, emotionally, or otherwise? Maybe it is a girlfriend who makes it a point to always be angry with you for no reason even when you try all you know to keep her happy or vice versa, or maybe he physically hurts you whenever you get into a fight. Whatever the case, none of these is love. It is time to call the relationship quits. It is important to understand that you should walk away because love is not supposed to hurt. Love is a beautiful thing, and should last forever; even if diamonds don’t last forever, love does or is supposed to. And we are not alone in thinking that way – 77% of Americans according to a 2019 Survey agree.

How long do you think feeling of love can last in a relationship (Dec. 2019)

Source: www.statista.com

If the relationship you’re in is causing you only hurt and pain, that my dearest friend is not love. It’s hurt and pain, plain and simple. Stop rationalizing it, stop making excuses for it. Get up and move on! Difficult as it may be to leave, you also need to place a high value on yourself and dignity and refuse to let someone keep taking advantage of you and hurting you. Someone who will love you without hurting you is out there and will definitely find you.

If you broke up with them before, why did you break up with them then and have those reasons suddenly disappeared for you to be considering getting back together with them?

If those reasons have not suddenly disappeared, then there is no reason why you should get back with them. That is after all why you left in the first place. Is it really worth it to subject yourself to those hurtful and painful experiences again?

And so, if any of the above are present in your relationship, then it is definitely time to give up on the relationship and stop flogging a dead horse. It is time to get up and move on!

I LOVE HIM/HER AND WANT TO FIGHT FOR THE RELATIONSHIP.

You’re probably still not convinced that you should cut your losses and move on. Maybe you want to stay on and fight for your love and make it work. And perhaps your relationship is such that with both of you coming together and speaking honestly about it, you can salvage things and make it work. We will advise you to consider the following and sincerely answer the following questions before you decide to expend all your energies fighting to keep this relationship:

• Evaluate the relationship and where you stand, as well as the direction that it is taking. 

Are you the one making all the decisions and driving the relationship to see that it stays alive? If so, then the relationship is really not worth your time anymore. You need to ask yourself these hard questions – am I trying too hard and is this relationship really worth it? Remember, as we said earlier, you deserve to be with some who loves you just as much as you love them.

• Evaluate your partner’s actions and how they make you feel. 

Truthfully ask yourself if your partner is doing enough to make the relationship work, and his/her extent of willingness to want to make it work. If they are not as willing or are half-hearted about it, should you really be bothering yourself? If they don’t want to meet you halfway, you need to walk away and stop fighting to keep the relationship alive.

• If you feel you have a part to play in things going awry, find out how you can fix the problem. 

Sit with your partner and have an honest heart-to-heart conversation about it and honestly own up to the part you played. Then see if you and your partner cannot find a way forward, and effectively work on the identified solution(s). And who knows, you may after all not need to leave the one you love.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1. How do I know if I should break up with my boyfriend?

If you see any of the 6 signs we spoke about in this article in your relationship, then its time to break up with your boyfriend (or girlfriend).

2. How do you know when to give up on a relationship?

If you have critically evaluated the relationship against the 3 yardsticks we spoke about in the section of wanting to fight for love, and still do not feel the need to fight for love, then its time to give up on the relationship.

3. How do I know when to fight for a relationship and when to give up?

When all the signs that tell you the relationship is over are present, then you should know that it is time to give up. We have listed all those signs in this article, and we hope that they can help you make the right decision.

CONCLUSION

While it may not be easy to walk away from a relationship, it is in your best interest to walk away from a relationship that is no longer working. In this article, we have given you all the signs that will show you that the relationship is no longer working and should therefore be given up. We have also given you three important questions to ask yourself before deciding whether or not to keep fighting to keep the relationship.