Why Some Mothers Hate Their Daughters: Top 11 Reasons Why Relationships Can Be Strained?
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Handling a jealous mother is sometimes easier than we think.
Why some mothers hate their daughters, is that always means that they hate her?
It’s impossible not to wonder why some mothers hate their daughters. In fact, it seems strange even to consider that a woman might hate her child. Sadly, news reports show this to be a common occurrence. Nevertheless, the origin of this hatred must be analyzed to understand how to avoid this situation and, if possible, to put an end to it. For psychologists, several factors can lead to this result. Moreover, we will try to identify the signs that your mother is jealous of you.
1- Jealous mother: look at me, not her…
Why are moms mean to their daughters? Jealousy is one of the primary reasons for unpleasant relationships between a mother and her daughter. Here, the relationship with the baby is usually excellent. However, once the baby becomes more or less independent, things go wrong. By independence, we mean the child can already dress itself and eat without the help of an adult. In some cases, the girl’s ordeal starts as early as 3 years old, in others, it starts at prepubescent age or during puberty.
The following question should be answered at this point : why mother jealous of daughter’s relationship with father. The root of such jealousy is simple. They can’t accept the attention the father or another man with whom they are in a relationship gives to their children. Whether this attention is healthy or unhealthy doesn’t matter. Often she will abuse her daughter even though her spouse or partner mistreated her. What underlies this unhealthy jealousy is a lack of attention in childhood, which makes her want to be the center of her partner’s life all the time. This behavior isn’t only common to women, but also to men.
Does this mean that a jealous mother is necessarily a bad mother who hates her daughter? No! There is a second category of mothers who are jealous of their daughters. The relationship between father and daughter can be so strong that the child knows more about her father than her mother. Often, at first, the mother will try to find a place in the relationship. She will seek the attention of both the child and the partner, hoping to destroy this union in which she is a stranger. If she succeeds, the bad climate will be temporary. If she fails, however, all her anger will be directed at her daughter because the latter is immediately perceived as a competitor.
2- When the father manipulates his daughter…
In the previous case, some will consider that there is no fundamental difference, and they will not be wrong. In both cases, the woman is fighting against her child to gain the attention of the father or partner. But there is a third case: when the father uses his daughter against the mother. Strange? Maybe, but it happens frequently. This phenomenon is frequent not only with girls, but also with boys.
Some selfish husbands use their children to cover up their infidelity or other flaws. Here, it’s an adult game the child cannot understand. The mother is aware of her daughter’s use as a shield, which causes her to lose her temper. The father uses this irritation to turn the child against the mother to a greater extent. And the mother reacts even more nervously against her daughter. At the end of the day, mother rejects daughter not because she hates her, but because she can’t handle the relationship with her husband.
This psychological manipulation can have fatal consequences if the mother doesn’t change her mind, or if the father cannot change his behavior.
3- When the daughter is a substitute
Throughout childhood, the mother has, for example, dreamed of being a model or an actress, in fact, it doesn’t matter what profession she wanted. She couldn’t achieve it. When the daughter arrives, she turns her daughter into a mini version of herself. This group of mothers puts all their hope into their daughter and hopes that she will be grateful to them. If they comply with their mother’s whims, nothing will go wrong. Their relationship will be beyond ideal. However, if they try to resist them, the situation will get worse.
Mothers can also become jealous if daughters first accept their mother’s help, succeed, and then decide to become independent. They won’t see their child’s desire for independence as something normal. For them, it will be nothing more than a theft, a betrayal. Theft, because according to them, their daughters will have taken their dream for themselves. Betrayal, because they will consider that their daughters are in the obligation not only to be grateful to them until the end of their days. They must also — in their eyes — remain their puppets for eternity. The mother daughter conflict will be unavoidable
4- When the child is viewed as a destroyer of dreams…
When discussing this issue, people often mistakenly limit themselves to early pregnancies. The reality is more complex. Of course, early pregnancies are the most frequent cases, but other situations should not be ignored. Among others, we should mention the pregnancies which put an end to the professional career, or pregnancies which destroy the health of the mother. One can also add the example of pregnancies associated with a very painful event which destroyed the mother’s world: the death of her husband, for example. Here, it isn’t the girl so much as the child — whatever its sex — who is perceived as a destructive factor, with all the consequences that this entails.
5- Child born following a traumatic event
The first traumatizing experience that comes to mind here is rape. It doesn’t matter if it is a stranger or a spouse. In this situation, the question arises: Why didn’t she have an abortion? Why did she give birth to her daughter to torture her in this way? Once again, one must consider the issue from several angles. If she is in a couple, more precisely married, she is unlikely to take the plunge because her partner could later make her life more complicated. Although she might want to do it, each country has its legislation on the matter. In many countries around the world, she will simply have no choice but to give birth.
Once the baby is born, he will immediately become her whipping boy because she never wanted him to be born. His presence will be an eternal reminder of the hell she went through, with all the ensuing consequences.
Rape isn’t the only distressing factor. An unhappy love affair can also be added to the above list. The situation here is ambiguous. For some women, the child becomes a lifeline that they cling to cope with the daily stress. For others, the child becomes the cause of the failure, hence the “appropriate” behavior.
6- The cultural factor
In some parts of the world, a boy remains preferable to a girl. This is the case in Muslim countries, in many African countries, or in countries like India. Speaking of the latter, the girl’s parents will have to pay a dowry to their daughter’s future husband so that she can get married. This dowry is sometimes so huge that many, not women, but parents, only want to have boys. If, after months of prayer, a girl is born, she may become her mother’s victim. This possibility increases further if the mother is under constant pressure from her family-in-law.
The same phenomenon can be observed in countries such as Afghanistan or Thailand, where girls from poor families are simply sold in brothels. Of course, in this case, the decision is made by the father or the male members of the family, but it is always with the mother’s blessing. The mothers who betray their daughters in these countries are many. Even if this girl escapes from the brothel where she was sold, she cannot count on the support of her mother.
7- When you see your daughter as yourself
It’ difficult to say that women in this category hate their daughters. In fact, what they hate the most are their actions. A woman who has been in an abusive relationship will expect her daughter to be in the same situation. Nothing the daughter can say to persuade her otherwise will help. She can behave ideally, avoid dangerous partners, be on her best behavior, it won’t convince her mother.
The mother’s abusive behavior towards the daughter in this situation comes from a desire to protect. The mother reacts as she thinks she would have liked to have been done for her in the past. She will feel that if people had been more strict, even violent towards her, all her misfortunes would never have happened. These mothers rarely realize that they are traumatizing their daughters. They think they’re right because they are doing it “for their sake”. In the end, it will be a nightmare for both the mother and the daughter, who will always be wondering why does my mom hate me so much.
8- Champions of revenge…
In this case, the mother hates not the daughter, but the child. To hit the child’s father, often after a break-up, the mother will become unpleasant. A problematic love affair can lead to an unloving mother relationship. Note that this behavior is not common only to women. It is also very common among men. There are many abandoned spouses who kill their children just to make their ex-spouses suffer. This tendency is one of the most dangerous because it is almost impossible to fight it. The desire for revenge will always remain stronger than reason. The mother wouldn’t be afraid to kill her daughter if “needed”.
9- The classifiers
This example will clarify the whole issue. Let’s take the case of a woman Y who is deeply in love with her partner or husband. The birth of a child helps to merge an already strong union. Unfortunately for Mrs. Y, her beloved husband dies and the only memory she has of him is this cherished child, this unique treasure she will love even more than when her father was alive. After a few years, Mrs. Y remarries, not because she has found someone she loves as much as her deceased partner, but because she has to. If this union is more or less happy — meaning if she feels protected — the children born to this couple are not at risk. However, if she becomes unhappy. She will desperately cling to the memory of the one who made her happy.
For the daughter or child of the second union, it will mean that he will always be perceived as a stranger. It will not really be her daughter, but her spouse’s daughter, while the first child born from the happy union will be the perfect one. Several options are possible in this case, it can happen that it is the first child who is the sufferer because the relationship with his father was painful and the youngest the darlings, their father is more gentle. In this category, mean mothers hurt daughters without any regrets. And if, for the misfortune of the latter, the “cherished” child succeeds, she will remain forever the ugly duckling that the mother won’t want to see.
10- I never wanted a girl…
This is also common. During her entire childhood, the mother dreamed of giving birth to a little boy. All her life, she planned it by seeing herself as the mother of a boy. Unfortunately for her, nature decided otherwise, and she ended up with a girl. No matter how hard she tries, there is little chance that she will meet her mother’s expectations. The situation will be even more complicated for her, if she has the long-awaited boy later. Here, it is unnecessary to find out how a mother should treat her daughter. The most important thing is to understand why she subconsciously only wants boys.
11- Hello hormones…
This is something we rarely pay attention to, and mistakenly. It sometimes happens when a woman who had an excellent bond with her daughter criticizes her from one day to the next, with no reason at all. She insults her, denigrates her, sometimes humiliates her in public without the slightest qualms. If she is already at least a teenager, that girl will not have to ask herself the question: why my mom is jealous of me? The right question is: what is my mom’s hormonal state?
Three periods are to be feared:
1- At the beginning of a pregnancy: the first three months are the most difficult. Once this critical phase is over, the behavior will change.
2- The period before menopause: in this case, the return to normal will take a little longer, but it will eventually happen.
3- During menopause: unfortunately, in this case, you will just have to get used to it. Nothing will change. The daughter concerned will simply have to relearn how to live with her mother.
Frequently Asked Questions?
1- Can a mother’s sick jealousy really have negative consequences on the family?
As surprising as it may seem, this is an important issue to take seriously. We can’t count the number of murders or broken lives that this situation has caused.
2- Can jealous mothers be jealous of their babies?
They can be jealous even of newborns, which is why it is important to address the problem as soon as it arises.
3- Can the spouse of a jealous mother reverse the trend?
Sometimes, but not always. However, he should act as soon as possible and not close his/her eyes and avoid the problem.
4- How can the spouse of a jealous woman stop the problem?
The first thing that is important to understand is that the chances of success depend on the origin of his feelings. That’s why it’s important to talk to the woman to understand her deepest feelings before taking any action.
5- Can therapy help?
Not always! However, it is important to recognize that sometimes, a treatment of the psychologists will overcome this negative tendency.
6- What can the mistreated girl do?
If she is still young; it is up to the father or closest family members to protect her. If she is a teenager or an adult, she should act herself. First, it is important to avoid potentially explosive situations. Occasionally, she will benefit from letting her mother win the argument, even if she is wrong. She can also carry out some of her wishes, even if she knows them to be wrong, to deprive her of negative arguments against her later on. It will be important for the mother herself to realize that she is far from always being right. She can also choose to discuss with her mother only those issues where they will have the same opinion.
7- Should we get away from a jealous mother as soon as possible?
Sometimes this is the only way to maintain psychological balance. If the mother remains deaf to all peaceful efforts, it is better to end the relationship.
Is it possible to improve an unhealthy relationship between mother and daughter?
Yes, it is possible, and it is very common. So instead of thinking why mothers hate their daughters, it would be better to understand how to deal with a jealous mother? It’s à hard work and the result will depend on the circumstances. The reconciling factor is, in most cases, the grandchild. After years of fighting against her child, the mother, now a grandmother, cannot help but pamper her grandchild to the extreme. All the drastic rules that she applied to her daughter without the slightest qualms will suddenly cease to exist for her grandchild or grandchildren. Occasionally, it is the daughter’s marriage that ends the long conflict. Sometimes it is an unfortunate event that puts an end to the hostilities: death of a close relative (the father or husband of the daughter) a serious illness, etc.
In fact, it is advisable not to wait. Handling a jealous mother is sometimes easier than we think, if the daughter wants it. If there is a chance, you should take the first step towards reconciliation to avoid regretting it later. Often, the desire is there, but both mother and daughter are so proud that neither agrees to reach out first. Understanding that good family relationships enhance the well-being of all members is important.
Yet, it is equally vital to realize that good relationships cannot be established if one party is opposed to them. Mothers who dislike their daughters sometimes cause them to dislike their daughters as adults. That’s why, sometimes, the daughter shouldn’t even make the first move.
This is the case, for example, when the mother is narcissistic or extremely jealous. As honorable as the step may be, it will be doomed to failure, which may further aggravate the child’s bitter feelings. Indeed, even if the mother accepts the offered hand, it wouldn’t be to establish a healthy relationship with her daughter. Her sole purpose will be to exploit her to the fullest. It’s sad, but some mothers who are mean to their daughters, just want to be cruel.
Only if it is worthwhile to make peace and find points of common interest will the mother be able to do so. If not, rather than spending your whole life wondering why my mother resents me, take advantage of this unhappy experience to build your life. Creating a family where this poisonous atmosphere is absent will be the only way to overcome childhood traumas.
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